Let’s talk about you…what do you need? In the grand scheme of things, when you think about your life - what do you actually need, really?
…someone to do all the chores on your things-to-do list? A bubble-bath? A passionate night of love-making? Maybe a weekend getaway to a rustic countryside villa - a glass of wine in hand and a private chef?
It is so easy to start rattling off a dream list of wants and desires but under the heavy weight of your mental list, can you really differentiate between an actual need versus a want and desire?
What are needs And how are needs different than wants and desires?
You see needs aren’t wants or desires. A human want or desire is a person/event/object that would be great to have and experience but ultimately not having this want or desire met will not have an impact on your wellbeing or existence.
Needs are absolute fundamentals to your survival and life fulfilment, and you will do anything to get what you need met. Sometimes with dire consequences such as cheating on a partner, eating past your fullness, staying awake scrolling on your phone, (read all about revenge bedtime procrastination here) and self-sabotaging until you are at the very brink of a deadline. I could go on…here is an example in it’s most simplest form:
Want/desire - I would love a piece of chocolate cake
Need - I need fruit, vegetables and water
Needs are absolutes to how we show up in the world but guess what?…Needs can also vary from person to person. What might at the top of my need list might be in the middle/bottom for you.
So, it’s vital that you know what your needs are and how those needs rank in order of importance then seek to meet those needs - in healthy ways. For example: I might find the time to eat what I can, you might prioritise your meals over everything else.
The three types of needs
There are three types of needs - human needs, personality needs and moment-to-moment needs.
Each human need is important, Each personality need is important and each moment-to-moment need is important.
In this blog, I will be focussing solely on the foundational blocks of needs which are the six human needs. From there I will build on this with other blogs going into depth about personality and moment-to-moment needs. So, watch this space.
What are the six human needs?
As a coach, I use the six human needs as a starting point to gauge happiness and fulfilment levels in my clients. Are my clients meeting their fundamental human needs first? From this point, together with my client, we will create goals that get the most important needs met first. So, let’s do that together today too - I’ll add a coaching exercise at the end for you.
The six human needs are:
Survival needs:
Certainty
Uncertainty/Variety
Love and Connection
Significance
Soul and life fulfilment needs:
Growth
Contribution
The first four needs (certainty, uncertainty/variety, love and connection and significance) are necessary for your survival, personality and to bring prosperity.
The remaining needs - growth and contribution - are necessary for your spirit and to bring fulfilment to your life. These 6 basic human needs when utilised in your life will bring an immediate level of ease, happiness and joy.
how do these six human needs fit into your life?
Our needs differentiates us from others, explain our decision-making and choices in our life. Whilst some people have a high need for uncertainty/variety which lends to making life decisions such as travelling the world, to going starkers on a nudist beach. Others have a high need for certainty and you’ll more than likely find those peeps loving the routine of a 9-5, wrapped up in a weighted blanket on a Saturday night, drinking a hot chocolate and watching re-runs of Friends.
Now, let’s look at each six human needs and how each need fits into your life.
What is the human need of Certainty?
Certainty as a need demands safety, stability and security. This need is important to establish a roof over your head, getting and keeping a stable job, paying the bills and putting food in your fridge.
If you have a strong need for certainty then you are more likely to following the rules, pay your bills on time, eat the same meals when you go out, stay with a relationship long-term or longer than you really should have.
Healthy ways to fulfil your need for certainty:
Keeping a job, having a good credit score, savings and pension, have healthy food in the fridge and replenish often, have a clean and liveable space to call home, feeling safe in your surroundings and local community, able to express yourself with ease…
Unhealthy ways to fulfil you need for certainty:
Manipulating others to see the world the way you do, control somebody’s actions to adhere to your agenda, unwavering in your point of view - even in the face of facts and experts, withdrawing from others to keep your internal world safe, over-eating, hoarding…
What is the human need of uncertainty/variety?
Uncertainty/variety as a need demands choice, freedom and difference. This need is important for novelty, fun and adventure in your life. Enabling you to be excited by not knowing what is coming next and allowing life to happen rather than taking control of it.
If you have a strong need for uncertainty/variety then you are more likely to want to travel the world, love surprises, hate planning things, move houses every couple of years, choose whatever food item seems the most weird at a restaurant, enjoy impromptu meetings, dates and gatherings.
Healthy ways to fulfil your need for uncertainty/variety:
Travel often, take up a new sport/hobby, organise and plan a night out for your social circle, take a different route to work each day, happy to meet others with different viewpoints to their own, excited to learn languages…
Unhealthy ways to fulfil your need for uncertainty/variety:
Creating drama in your social circles, emotional eating, experimenting with drugs, anti-social behaviour, heightened emotions in neutral situations…
What is the human need of Love and connection?
Love and connection as a need demands emotional connection from others, proximity and vulnerability. This need is important for your inner self-worth, strong and supportive relationships with others, how you show up in the world and what you think internally of the world too.
If you have a strong need for love and connection you are more likely to want a family of your own, plan your free-time with friend’s and family, seek deep connections with others, deem your intimate relationships to be the most important, and join local clubs and meet-up to garner new connections.
Healthy ways to fulfil your need for love and connection:
Having a healthy intimate relationship with a partner/s, close relationships with your family and friends, call someone you love for a chat, a strong bond with your pets, being able to express physical affection with others, cuddling with loved ones, being kind to others/acts of kindness…
Unhealthy ways to fulfil your need for love and connection:
Seeking attention from others to give you words of affirmations and love, talking about your illnesses (physical and mental) for attention without receiving help, emotional eating, behaving badly to get a reaction from parents/co-workers/bosses/partner, demanding that someone loves you in a way that isn’t healthy for the other person.
What is the human need of significance?
Significance as a need demands to feel special, be seen, be heard and respected. This need is important for you to gain a sense of self, an understanding of how you are in social rankings, and to feel like you matter in and to the world.
If you have a strong need for significance you are more likely to colour your hair frequently, demand attention in social settings, have a meaningful job that others look up to with pride, be known for something - funny, wise, stubborn.
Healthy ways to fulfil your need for significance:
Have a job with a purpose and meaning to you and to others (home-maker, nurse, police officer etc), tackling problems and challenges head on and not letting them fester, create something meaningful to you, create financial stability that helps you to help others, being able to provide an income for your family, be dependable and responsible with your actions, uphold a good reputation and a positive regard for others, be apart of something special - community group/religious organisation…
Unhealthy ways to fulfil your need for significance:
Garnering attention from others to make a fuss over your illnesses/failures, talking down to someone, gossiping, being part of a criminal gang, using a privilege you may have to undermine someone else, an inflated sense of pride in yourself…
What is the human need of Growth?
Growth as a need demands change, progress and the ability to be more than the current version of yourself. This need is important so that you don’t become stagnant in your own life and demands that you are constantly moving towards the very best version of who you are.
If you have a strong need for growth, you are more likely to hire a coach, read personal development books, prioritise your own personal fitness and health, seek like-minded people to grow with, enjoying learning, love detail-oriented activities and be willing to try new things.
Healthy ways to fulfil your need for growth:
Hire a life coach, understand your own triggers and create self-awareness to change your behaviours, go to therapy, ready self-hep books and put the techniques and theories into practise, follow an exercise regime that suits your body and lifestyle. learn a new language/skill/musical instrument, book a course or study for a new qualification.
Unhealthy ways to fulfil your need for growth:
Repeat habits that are no longer serving you, changing who you are to fit into a new social group/belief system that doesn’t align with your values, burning yourself out doing ‘all the things’ and not having any time to rest, be unwavering to strive to ‘be the best’ at all costs…
What is the human need of Contribution?
Contribution as a need demands humility, benevolence, generosity and big-picture thinking. This need is important for you to give back to others and to expand your world and to be in community. It will give you a perspective different to your own and a satisfaction and fulfilment that the other five needs above cannot met.
If you have a strong need for contribution you are more likely to be the first person to donate to a colleague’s fun-run, create community initiatives that benefit a vast amount of people, stand up for injustices, volunteer in your spare-time, work in a service-based or charity-based career.
Healthy ways to fulfil your need for contribution:
Become a volunteer, write a book that will help lots of people, adopt/foster a child, give to charity and help fundraise, have a service-based profession such as coaching, medical, religious, teaching or policing sectors, give your wisdom to younger people and listen to the wisdom of older people too…
Unhealthy ways to fulfil your need for contribution:
Helping someone in the demise of another, bullying, trolling/negatively contributing to online discussions only, contributing to a charity to gain accolade, position or reputation, joining and promoting politics that are deemed to be problematic and harbour hatred and inequality for others….
Coaching exercise - Needs
So, now you have a firm gasp of the six human needs. I would like you to put them in order of importance. Which human need means the most to you, and why? Take your time with this.
Once you have your list of six in order of importance. I would like you to start with your most important needs and write down at least three needs that aren’t currently being met from that area.
How you can get these need/s met today, this week, this month?
If you need some help, you can use the healthy examples mentioned in the corresponding section above or create your own. Feel free to write in the comments below and I’ll be more than happy to help too. Here are a few more examples…
Example: Love and connection
Unmet need: I am lonely
Met need: I reconnected with _____ who I’ve been meaning to call back for a while.
Example: Certainty
Unmet need: I don’t have a job and I’m anxious about my future financial stability
Met need: I signed up to a recruitment agency, have written my C.V and I’m doing interview prep via youtube videos whilst also looking for vacancies via my Linkedin connections.
Example: Uncertainty/Variety
Unmet need: An emptiness feeling and a longing for something new
Met need: I’ve booked a trip to the seaside to get away from it all and get a fresh perspective. It’s a place I’ve never been before and I’ve been on Tripadvisor and booked activities that I’m really looking forward to completing whilst I’m there.
Example: Significance
Unmet need: I feel so unimportant. I don’t have anything that define me specifically.
Met need: When I was little I would draw for hours. So, I’ve decided to reconnect to my creativity. I’ve signed up to landscape arts club. It’s been brilliant. We’ve just book a trip to go away and paint landscapes in the Lake District.
Example: Contribution
Unmet need: I have everything I need - family, friends, food, money, security, holidays -something still feels like it’s missing.
Met need - I have started volunteering at my local PDSA charity shop on a Saturday morning. It has been eye-opening to meet lots of people from different walks of life and knowing that I have contributed to helping animals by giving up my time has been so rewarding.
Example: Growth
Unmet need: I feel stagnant in my life. Every day feels the same and it’s boring. I know I’m meant for more and I’m capable of a great things.
Met need: I hired a life coach and I feel like I’m moving in the right direction. I have gain clarity on what I want and have goals and action steps in place to achieve them. I have learnt so much about myself. Especially, what fears have been holding me back. I feel unstoppable.
Don’t settle for anything less than your needs
To achieve a happy, fulfilled life you don’t have to get everything you desire but you do have to get everything that need. Don’t settle for anything less than your needs. It’s vital for the future versions of yourself.
If you are looking for a life coach, my books are open and I’m taking discovery calls now.
Thanks for being here and have a great week,
Michelle
