Today, we are going to delve into the world of unhealthy boundaries (also known as poor, bad or lacking / being boundaryless). Now, if you want to start with healthy boundaries then click here. If you’re ready for all things unhealthy boundaries, let’s get into it…
What are unhealthy boundaries and what do they look like?
Firstly, a boundary is personally set by you to keep you safe and to let others know how to act, speak and behaviour around you. Your boundaries will be based on your needs, values, belief system and your unique experience of the world. There are six boundary areas to look out for - physical, sexual, time, intellectual, emotional, and material.
An unhealthy boundary is when you disregard your own values, needs, wants and limits entirely and/or you disregard another persons’ values, needs, wants and limits.
Unhealthy boundary examples:
Always turning up late when meeting friends
Not asking for a push-back with your deadline at work
Not speaking up when someone invades your personal space
Not asking for your jacket back from a friend who borrowed it last month because you don’t want the aggro.
Talking intimately to an acquaintance you have just met
Why should I have boundaries?
When you are able to express your needs and boundaries effortlessly your life gets exponentially easier. You will have healthy relationships with those around you, you will be able to express your desires, wants and expectations with ease, and you can lead people without feeling like a tyrant.
There is also a real benefit for others to know where you draw the line so they know where it is and not to cross it. It’s kinder for them in the long wrong rather than guessing, getting it wrong and upsetting you. Healthy boundaries communicated well is good for all parties involved.
What are the consequences of unhealthy boundaries?
Being boundaryless around others can lead to them feeling confused about how to act around you or on the other end of the spectrum - treat you any way they see fit.
Remember when you dishonour your boundaries you are disrespecting yourself and lying to the people around you about the way things really are.
As harsh as that may seem if you are not able to express yourself clearly to those around you, it can affect your mental health and you will start to accumulate internal resentments towards people who are not privy to the truth that they have overstepped a boundary of yours.
Moreover, If you don't know your boundaries or have a lack of them, you can struggle to feel on top of things in your life. You will be late for events and stressed with deadlines, you will feel like you can’t relax because you have ‘so much to do’. And you may be taken advantage of by others because if you have no perimeters on how others should treat you then they won’t have any perimeters on how they show up for you too.
And, before you say - “I don’t have unhealthy boundaries”.
It’s really important to note that you can have excellent boundaries in some areas of your life, and absolutely none in other areas of your life.
For example:
You could have excellent time and intellectual boundaries at work - making sure you and your team leave on time and everyone has taken their annual leave. But lack consistent time and physical boundaries in your parenting - allowing your child to consistently stay up past their bedtime, and having to make three different types of dinner each night for your family.
Do I have unhealthy boundaries?
In order to understand whether you have unhealthy boundaries, you have to observe your life and be self-aware. Here is a quick reflection exercise to help you find out more about your boundaries:
⭐️Let’s use the last seven days to check in on your boundaries. Think about your time, your emotions, your physical space, your material possessions, your sexual experiences and your intellectual property.
⭐️Write a list of the times this week you have felt pressured, felt taken advantage of, said yes when you should have said no, said no when you should have said yes, felt guilty for not putting yourself first and/or prioritised someone’s needs above your own.
⭐️Now, from this list we can delve deeper into why you felt unable to set a boundary by answering the following questions:
Why did you say yes/ no in those instances?
Have you refused to enforce a boundary for an 'easy life'?
Are these violations consistently happening in the same boundary area?
How does this situation make you feel?
What value/belief/need are you violating by not setting this boundary?
What do you gain by not setting a boundary?
⭐️From the awareness you’ve gained from these questions, make a list of three boundaries you would like to consistently set for the next seven days - and more importantly - take action.
⭐️After those seven days, write about your findings. Did people treat you differently? Do you feel differently about yourself? Anything you would change for the next seven days?
Why do I find it hard to set boundaries?
There are many different reasons why it may be difficult for you to set a boundary. On the surface, it could be justified by saying things such as:
I want to make someone happier
It doesn’t really matter
I don’t mind where we go - really!
I am a nice person
It doesn’t affect me so who cares?
I let them do what they want
However, digging under the surface of those conscious justifications and rational thinking could be deeper reasonings for your difficulties to set boundaries.
These can include:
Fear of abandonment
Childhood attachment and trauma
Intimacy issues
People-pleasing tendencies
Lack of emotional intelligence
Fear of rejection and ridicule from others
Shame and embarrassment of expressing yourself
Lacking self-awareness of your needs and desires
Poor decision-making abilities
How can I improve my boundaries?
You can improve your boundaries by:
Having values-based life coaching (I offer this here)
Journalling and self-reflection exercises
Improving your emotional intelligence
Having therapy
Knowing your attachment style and working towards secure attachment
Asking family and friends that you trust for feedback
Boundaries really are life-changing when you start implementing them. In learning to express yourself, your needs and your desires, you are showing up authentically and allowing others to accept your life on your terms. You will gain more trust, intimacy, love and connection with those around you and you will feel valued and heard too. Now, that sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
How do you feel about your healthy and/or unhealthy boundaries? And how are you with setting your own boundaries? Let me know in the comments below.
Michelle
